Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
You Might Also Like
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere