i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
You Might Also Like
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
…u ok Nintendo?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
San Francisco has too many rules
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster