5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
no one ever comes back
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
me doing my best
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY