I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*