Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.