Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

crochet youtube is brutal