My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
never forget
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters