[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Meeeee too!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p