The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Cndnsd Mlk
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.