The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home