The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.