The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
🙂🐾
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.