“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Don’t talk down to me
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.