What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My first son he is wonderful
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.