I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Sticker placement is key.
Good point.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems