I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday