Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms