The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Many hands make light work
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.