Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
No Google it does not
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
i can’t wait that long
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right