DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.