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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If only
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker