Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
One venti cheeseburger please.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.