Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.