I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]