My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”