Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Warm pools make me nervous.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My therapist after every session
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.