My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”