This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Happy Star Wars day!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.