The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.