Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.