hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
happy valentine’s day to me
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999