I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
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If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.