Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
How wrong was this guy?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”