[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.