I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Cat.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat