One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.