Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.