Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.