My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’d love this…lol
This will teach them to underestimate me
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.