Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Breaking news:
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.