Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.