If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
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“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
What even happened today?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk