No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER