Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.