How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.