Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*