Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
the short answer to this question
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.