Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop