sugar glider wrangler
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I’m being attacked 😭
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?