They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Battery falling down a hole
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Not recommended for beginners.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters