[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Hey I worked for it too!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
guys i’ve cracked the code
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.