Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.