Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
beware of dog
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.