guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.